How do we build resilience and why?
We build resilience to-
- Weather the storms and challenges of life.
- Feel better about ourselves and the choices we make.
- Feel confident and stop second guessing ourselves, and to feel clear and certain about what we do in our lives.
The question of resilience and confidence comes up with every client I work with.
We know that confidence doesn’t come before the action. We gain confidence from our experiences and doing.
So, what can we do to muster the conviction to take the action before we feel confident. I believe self compassion is a huge part of this mustering of resilience.
Below, I’ve created some steps on how to build resilience, but I’ll share the difference between working on our self-esteem & our self-compassion and you can choose which feels right for you.
You might ask? Why am I sharing about self-compassion today?
Aren’t we all just so self-absorbed already? Don’t we need more altruism?
Well, they aren’t mutually exclusive. The kinder we are to ourselves in our inner world, actually, the more connected we feel to others, building self-compassion builds compassion with others. Compassion builds connection and a deeper appreciation of each other, less competition and greater understanding.
My world & self-compassion, right now
- The Horse Boy book is about a family travelling to Mongolia to help their autistic son. They travel on horseback. I’m re-reading this at the moment. It feel a little dated already around the descriptions of autism, but I was drawn to the mother, Kristin’s work and read about her work on self compassion.
- I’ve worked with on self-compassion since 2009. But right now, I feel like we need to bring it to the fore of my work.
- Alan my husband is working with Calderdale Recovery team on self compassion & compassion with clients, frontline staff and management team.
- I’m working with the wonderful team at A Brilliant Thing, supporting communities to be Trauma Informed & built resilience with self-compassion.
The huge benefits of self-compassion
We often prioritise achievement and confidence, and self-esteem has become a celebrated hallmark of mental well being. Yet, self-compassion, not self esteem, may hold the key to deeper, more sustainable inner peace.
While self-esteem is rooted in comparisons and performance, self-compassion is grounded in acceptance and kindness toward oneself.
Let’s explore why developing self-compassion surpasses self-esteem as a foundation for our mental resilience, and I’ll share transformative tools to cultivate it in your life.
The problem with self-esteem. It ain’t perfect, because neither are we…
Self-esteem hinges on how we perceive our worth relative to others.
While it can boost confidence temporarily, it has its limitations:
- Conditional: Self-esteem often rises when we succeed and plummets when we fail.
- Comparison-Driven: It fosters competition, leading to envy, insecurity, or superiority. Destroying connection.
- Fragility: It’s easily threatened by criticism, rejection, or setbacks.
As a result, self-esteem is not a stable foundation for mental health, especially in challenging times.
Why self-compassion is revolutionary
Self-compassion, as defined by Dr. Kristin Neff, involves three core elements:
- Self-Kindness: Being gentle and understanding with yourself, especially in failure.
- Common Humanity: Recognising that suffering and imperfection are universal experiences.
- Mindfulness: Observing painful thoughts and emotions without over-identifying with them.
The benefits of self-compassion extend far beyond fleeting boosts of confidence:
- Emotional Resilience: Self-compassion reduces anxiety and depression by providing a buffer against self-criticism.
- Stable Self-Worth: Unlike self-esteem, it doesn’t depend on external validation or success.
- Healthier Relationships: Being kinder to yourself improves empathy and connection with others.
- Better Motivation: Encouraging yourself with kindness leads to perseverance, as opposed to the fear-driven motivation linked to harsh self-criticism.
Psychological Benefits of Self-Compassion
- Reduced Anxiety and Depression: Studies show that self-compassion decreases cortisol levels (the stress hormone) and boosts psychological well being.
- Improved Emotional Regulation: It helps us respond to challenges steadily, rather than spiralling into anger, self-blame or avoidance.
- Increased Resilience: Self-compassion enables quicker recovery from setbacks and fosters a growth mindset.
- Reducing Perfectionism: By accepting imperfections, self-compassion reduces the paralysing need for flawlessness.
Powerful Tools and Techniques to Cultivate Self-Compassion
1. The self-compassion pause
Whenever you face a moment of stress or failure, practice these three steps:
- Acknowledge the Pain: Say, “This is a moment of suffering.”
- Recognise Common Humanity: Say, “Suffering is a part of life; this is part of being human. I am not alone.”
- Offer Kindness: Place your hand on your heart and say, “May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
2. Write yourself a letter
Our written word has powerful effects. Imagine you’re writing a letter to a dear friend who is struggling. Now, write that same letter to yourself, offering understanding and encouragement.
3. Mindful self-reflection
Set aside time each day to notice how you talk to yourself. Are your thoughts harsh and judgmental? Practice replacing those thoughts with gentler ones.
4. Affirmations of self-kindness
Repeat affirmations such as:
- “I can love and care, just as I am.”
- “It’s OK to make mistakes. They are part of growth.”
5. Self-compassion meditation
Try guided meditations focused on nurturing compassion for yourself. Tara Brach‘s work is beautiful.
6. Body kindness practice
Take a moment to appreciate your body for what it does for you, rather than how it looks. Simple acts of gratitude can deepen your self-compassion.
Self-Compassion vs. Self-Esteem: A Paradigm Shift
The journey from self-esteem to self-compassion requires a shift in mindset:
- From seeking perfection to embracing our imperfect humanity.
- From competition to connection.
- From judgment to acceptance.
Self-compassion teaches us that we are inherently worthy, not because of what we achieve, but because we are here. By prioritising self-compassion over self-esteem, we nurture a sense of inner safety, resilience, and belonging that no external success or failure can disrupt.
Self-compassion is not self-pity, indulgence, or weakness. It is an act of courage, a conscious choice to meet your struggles with kindness and humanity.
In embracing self-compassion, you’re not just becoming kinder to yourself; you’re building a stronger, healthier, and more connected version of you.
Let your journey toward self-compassion begin today.
