Whilst with a client today and found myself thinking about the strange way confidence, or the lack of it, can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The confidence trap and why it backfires
When people don’t quite trust what they’re saying, they often try to compensate by saying more.
The words come quickly, as if volume and speed might create certainty, but the opposite can happen. The message becomes messy and the person sounds unsure. Then this reinforces the fear they were trying to avoid, that they appear not confident.
What struck me most was when I asked, ‘How will you feel when you are speaking with confidence?’ the answer wasn’t at all about how they wanted to feel, but was about appearing confident to others and about being seen as someone who knows what they’re talking about.
Social anxiety can feel so isolating and the craving for some people is to feel understood and connected, so the emphasis is very much upon wanting the other person to see you the way you want to be seen. But confidence begins from within, and the good news is that there are things that every single person can practice to build their confidence from inside out.
Try these confidence building ideas.
Confidence can be built by listening fully to the other person. Really hearing what the other person is saying will help you understand them and help you feel more connected to them.
The drive for some can be to ‘fill the awkward silence,’ but sometimes it is confidence building to allow a pause, without trying to change anything. The natural flow of a conversation does have its peaks and troughs.
A brave, honest idea is to admit to the other person that the thought has not arrived yet. You could add – ‘I’d like to hear more of your ideas about that, because my thoughts are still formulating.’
We live in a world that seems to want instant responses and constant contribution, but not every silence is insecurity. Some silences are discernment or just the space in which a true thought is forming.
I no longer believe that confident people always have something to say. I think they trust themselves enough to wait until they do.
Building our confidence means building it from integrity rather than performance. Our words do not need to impress or to prove anything.
Instead of ‘How am I coming across?’ ask ‘What do I understand in this moment and what would I like to find out?’
Rather than performing confidence, confidence coaching encourages you to bring honesty to your interactions and ask for more information, which is much more helpful for everyone involved in a conversation.
Being present is the real confidence
So, the title of this piece is a red herring – appearing confident isn’t the thing!
Being honest about what you do and don’t understand will help you build your confidence from within and will expand both your understanding and confidence even further in the future.
You can practice being present before you feel confident. This can mean quietly listening to others and telling the little voice in your head saying that ‘you must contribute something’ to ‘shush’ for a bit.
Enjoy.
Contact me for a chat to see how we can build your confidence.
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